Anhedonia, here I come*
I'm not sure if it's middle age catching up with me (what age does that begin? lol), or depression, or if there is even a difference between the two at this point, but I just can't find the fuel to keep myself going.
- I used to read at every spare minute, finishing 2-3 books a month, but since February I haven't been able to turn a single page;
- normally I love working and would work overtime with drive and passion, but I hate my current job and team so much that I both dread mornings and work all the fucking time, because I'm so unproductive and underperforming;
- I love nature and bird-watching in particular. Always was the "random bird facts" guy. Yet I have completely ignored this year's brooding season. It's almost over and I'm just like "meh, whatever";
- I've mentioned here my complicated relationship with alcohol and that I don't drink. Well, I tried the other day and it's boring and underwhelming, so no going back to that;
- my partner is away tonight, so I decided to do some psychedelics. What happened? Nothing. A big fat nothing. Just wasted two hours that I could have spent, idk, working?
So what's left? Gym and music. I live from training sesion to training session when I can push myself and can catch up on the weekly Spotify Discover playlist. I dread the moment when I get burnt out on that too and have nothing else left to keep me going. I really don't know what to do with myself anymore.
* "Anhedonia, Here I Come" is a short strory by Colin Barret,
I'm gonna go ahead and call it. That's depression talking there. Loud and clear. Not getting any joy from anything you love because the void keeps eating away any potential you have to feel lasting joy. I feel you. Fucking hate being in that place. Unfortunately it's a lot easier to get there again than to leave it behind.
You know what? I know it, but it's a relief to hear it from someone else. So thank you for calling it. It feels less like it's my fault this way, that I'm not putting in effort. It's a shit place to be. 2/10 on TripAdvisor.
I'd go dog at as to give it even 1/10 cause it takes away the ability to see and feel beauty in the things that surround us often. A thing I am really struggling with but helps me 10/10 times is to rely more on others. Take the foot off the speed paddle, talk to others, and rely on them. Then slowly build up from there
Also I've found that sports and hiking I particular help me the most of all 'me time' things. First alone and then slowly with somebody else again.
yeah, i know that song,singing it all day. are there any antidepressives in the mix? if so,maybe think about changing the dosage? Or get out of that job (listen to me, stuck in a job i hate for 5 years now)? However,if you find something that works to break that ,let me know,i need Ideas ;-)
@ver0nika
Pretty much. As I said, I practically live in the gym xD It's the only thing that keeps me afloat. Relying on others is legit hard, tho.
I'm sorry you've been in the same boat *hug* It's the world suckiest cruise.
@oneeyed
I'm sorry to hear that. It sucks.
Yes, I'm on antidepressants but already on a fairly high dose. It can go a bit higher but I keep that for real crises, like I had in the beginning of the year. This one I think I can swim through, I dunno. As to the job, yes, I'm considering changing it, if I even have the option to stay oon this job - I've been performing so badly. I'm a freelancer, so my contracts are never long anyway.
that might be why the psychodelics didn't work,the antipepressants are similar and that ruins it. i noticed it when i started the pills,i thought i know that feeling in my throut and knees from mushrooms :-)
Yeah, I figured as much. The one I'm on has a particularly bad track record in that regard, so I wasn't expecting much tbh, but I didn't want to pause it for two weeks ;) It was still a pleasant enough body high. Just not what I needed :)
I am so looking forward to the whole 'microdosing can help a LOT with depression' comprehensive guide. Tried shrooms once. Wasn'exactly a horror trip but something that made was so beyond intense, I never dared to try again
itll past, so fuck this shit. also maybe it is time to change something? like idk sit down and drink coffe alone in silent? watch yourself and dont do drugs or get yourself in depresion. remember -- we are here.
@djlangley I'm just writing things here in order to process them, don't worry :) Trauma floodgates opened up in therapy, and in the wise words of The Front Bottoms, when the flood water comes it ain't gonna be clear, it's gonna look like mud ;) so it's all a bit.. a lot. Trying the drugs last night was actually an attempt to change something haha. I've been pretty much straight edge for a decade, so I thought a vacation from my mind might be ok. Didn't work, moving on ;) But thank you :)