For the longest time I didn't want to start transitioning, because of vanity and some internalized fatphobia. As a woman I was moderately pretty, at least, back when I was thin. Then I put on weight. Like, a lot of it. Which wasn't a problem per se, as oddly enough I enjoyed the process of seeing my body changing that way. It might have even alleviated some dysphoria, because once I stopped being thin people also stopped drawing attention to my body. No one feels compelled to tell a fat girl that she's elegant haha. So that was a relief.

However, I was still scared to start presenting male. I was afraid that what was an acceptably looking but fat woman would translate to a hideous man. And maybe it did. Now that that I've taken the plunge, I look like the love child of Kim Jong-un and James Charles, which is... a look. Yet, every time I see my objectively hideous face in the mirror, the joy I feel is overwhelming. I'm beaming. And people see that and and seem to be genuinely excited about me. There is a lesson here. A lesson about living as the human being you are, not the one that follows a convention that is killing it.