I knew pretty early in my teens that I did not want biological children and that adoption would be the right choice for me if I wanted to be a parent, for all sorts of reasons. Everybody told me then, "Oh, you'll see, you'll change your mind when you're older". I never did ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
The pregnancy ship has sailed now (all parenthood ships, tbh), and that's okay with me, but occasionally a day pops in when I wish I had had the experience of carrying a child, birthing it... Today is one of those days ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
And then I remember what absolute body horror scenario this is for me and all the ways in which it terrifies me, and any romanticized notions I have of pregnancy/birth/breastfeeding/etc go right out the window!
As somebody who grew up with the absolute knowledge 'of course i want to have a Family later' i honestly never even questioned this scenario. It was an undissuccable fixture in my life. And when i then became pregnant (unexpectedly at that time) i still didn' question anything. I thought, it's gonna be smooth sailing. I'm a rather big girl, No issues with birth. That one could have issues with breastfeeding didn't even cross my mind.
And then i Had my daughter. Birth was the Most horrible experience to that Moment i Had ever been through. Breastfeeding is Pushed and pressures tremendously and it Made me feel inadequat. I felt Like the Most horrible Person in the world to force another living being into the Horrors of existence. Later i realized that was Post partum. But all in all the First months were probably an ongoing Panic Attack every waking Minute.
I needed a Lot of time to come to Terms with what motherhood really meant and only then did i really enjoy IT. But still, after going through all of this, at the Same time i think that having Kids is the biggest snowball scam of all Times and at the Same time should never ever Trade the experience, everything it has taught me or my incredible daughter for anything.
And i now Go totally nuts over Babies sind would Love to experience certain aspects of pregancy, breastfeeding or early motherhood again.
So all in all it is weired, scary, fucking intense and awesome. At the Same time at Times.
So I feel you when you describe this yearning for some of These experiences very much.
Nature's a cruel mistress
(sorry for oversharing)
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I feel that this part of motherhood is not spoken enough at all. I have so many friends who legit had PTSD from the whole thing. And they do cherish being mothers to their children, but there was also the shock and pain and fear/feeling of inadequacy that isn't "advertised". Hats off to you for figuring out motherhood for you and finding joy in it.
For me it is a bit of a bitter subject. I always wanted children, actually. But growing up I was so miserable, partly for being a queer trans kid and partly because emotionally I was basically left to raise myself. My family did their best to provide clothes and food and normalcy. But also they were emotionally unavailable due to mental illness and chronic battle with cancer. I hated being born so much that I didn't want to do this to another human that didn't ask for this.
Adoption/fostering always felt right, because I figured I still had a lot of care and love to give and why not give it to another being that drew the short straw in life?
But life got in the way. I never met anyone who was okay with adopting and also in the meanwhile my own mental illness got so bad that I realized that I am barely managing to take care of myself, let alone of a child. Like, I am constantly battling suicidal thoughts and remembering how bad it was for me growing up with a
mentally ill parents, I just didn't want to do this to a child, or to myself.
And anyway last year I needed to have a surgery that had the effect of sterilizing me anyway, so that option is gone, even I would have overcome my fear of pregnancy&co. And now being in transition and with diagnosed astronomical risk of cancer I won't qualify to adopt anyway. So yeah.. I've made my peace with it, but there are days when I wish things would have played out otherwise and that I should have been braver.
Sorry, now I'm oversharing. This is a weird mental quagmire :/
Let's keep oversharing together 😘
I can hardly fathom how hard growing up must have been for you. And hats Off for going through it the way you did and coming out thinking you want to pay it forward by fostering.
I only Wish you all the best, marbear! Simply enjoy little ones when they are around. It'd how i mute the biological Imperativ 'how about another Baby' 🙈
Thank you for putting up with the oversharing <3