Okay, but the cishet culture in my corner of Eastern Europe is wild (I say, having participated in it while I lived here, closeted) and it's hurting everyone! That ex who screamed at me for being trans... We talked things out, but so much came up. This is going to be a long read...

We were talking about my marriage and I mentioned that if I do end up divorced, I'd either not date at all again, or go full t4t, because I would just want to be with someone who has had a similar relationship to their body and gender as me and is aware of possible trouble. That prompted a new volley of outrage as my ex tried to convince me that if a cis guy came to me and told me I have a juicy ass and he wanted a piece of it (his wording, not mine), I should agree to do him. Right... 

So as I patiently tried to explain about the hangups I have about being intimate with people, the issue of consent came up. That while I was deeply closeted, consent was understood as a blanket "Down to fuck or not?", while it can be a lot more granular. That it can be as fine-grained as checking if it's okay to touch certain body parts or negotiating the type of touch, that you can ask for consent before you kiss. That you can even ask for consent in non-sexual settings, such as checking if someone is a hug person before you give them a hug. And that small checks for consent create a sense of trust and thus better intimacy.  As I spoke about these things, I could see his head going Poof!, until he said, "Wait, this is all possible? Why didn't anyone tell me it is an option to ask for this? Because this is exactly what I need! I didn't know I could ask for it!"

And folks, my heart hurts for him and all the other people who just... do things.... while not having the language or awareness that they have a right to boundaries in intimacy and that they are allowed to respect them and to respect the ones of their partners. He really thought he was doing intimacy the right way, all the while having felt awful for years! Like, we started troubleshooting his relationships and it came to light that only with his first gf they went slowly and checked with each other. In every subsequent relationship (including the one with me) he felt that as a man he had to steamroll his partner in order to do things right and that the only way to get real emotion was be borderline abusive.

I am floored. Incidentally, we also talked about Pride. He was very much against it ("Why you all gotta be so in-your-face?") but as we talked, he actually started asking real questions. He went and looked up all sorts of Pride flags and again was stunned. He said, "Wow, I had no idea people had such different experiences! That there is so much variety in how one can see oneself. This Pride, it looks kinda cool now? How else would we know of those other experiences? Huh, I guess it really is necessary!..." 

And I am super mega proud of him for being introspective and willing to listen and reassess his opinions! And for being interested to hear me out and really ask for my experiences. But I wonder how many other cis and/or straight people might be feeling hurt for performing in a culture that doesn't allow for vulnerability, for consent and for diversity of experience. And I think about how this culture is being propagated, and it's really making me sad about everyone. Everyone is being actively hurt by this shit.

P.S. Like, we talked about attraction and he shared that he's often falls for athletic women with short hair. Which, in his eyes, means that he must be into men, even though he's never been attracted to an actual man. And that me coming out as trans was like a confirmation that he really is gay. Aaaarggghh! Cishet dogma is so toxic! A guy can just like women with short hair! It's okay! And a woman with short hair is still a woman! And I'm a non-binary trans man and still wear pink and florals, because I just can, okay! Everyone needs to fucking chill!