The mind is a weird place.

What I want:
to go on a bender. Spend a week drinking nothing but vodka until I can't walk, can't think, am out of myself. Go on Tinder and fuck five different people on five consecutive days, the more humliating the better. Eat nothing but Oreo ice cake.

What I do instead:
I meditate at least once a day. I eat an entirely reasonable potion of chips instead of faceplanting into the bag. I voluntarily wake up at 5:30 in order to have some quiet time to exercise. I cook reasonably balanced meals for me and my partner, who may or may not divorce me because of my gender, but until that future point I still have vowed in front of four old ladies in a municipality that I would make sure he puts a vegetable in his face at least once a day, until death do us part, because I love him. I listen to music on way higher volume than necessary.

I haven't drunk, smoked or had the urge to fuck everything that moves in 10 years (that's a rough average. 15 for smoking, 10 for drinking, 8 for fucking everything that moves). I am objectively in a much better place, more stable, with a lot more ability to regulate my emotions. And I don't actually want to do any of these things. 99.9% of the time I am really happy with the choices I make now. It's just that right now I really wish I could just get that overwhelming dopamine deluge, even if it means I crash, rather than the manageable stready trickle at my disposal. Old coping mechanisms have burnt a neural pathway, and I can miss them even when I don't really want them.

The mind is a weird place.