My head hurts and I feel like shit, so here's a list of things that I'm actually happy about myself.

1) I have been chronically underperforming at work, because I hate working alone *that* much. But for the last few days I've been training a new dev, who's going to be partnered with me, and I'm on fire! Teaching gives me so much energy. He's smart and quick, if a bit cocky on occasion, and I think we'll make an epic pair. And I blew our lead's mind by configuring passwordless access to the server lol

2) Looking in retrospect on one year of transition, I realize that it's done miracles about my assertiveness. Having to repeatedly come out to people and to proactively insist on correct forms of address, or to defend my gender expression, has made me much more confident about upholding my boundaries, standing my ground and caring just a tiny bit less about getting critical feedback. This has spilt over to other, gender-unrelated communication. I'm letting my voice be heard a bit more. I am letting fewer people interrupt me and make sure that if I have something to say that I get the opportunity to say it. I'm not avoiding conflict at *all* costs - I still don't like it, but if I feel I need to oppose someone on principal grounds (e.g., if it's for the good of the team/organization), I'm way more willing to do it.

3) As unspooled I feel mentally at the moment, cumulatively I like myself more, which is *wild*. And in the last few month I've repeatedly managed to find ways get back into some balance, even in moments of crisis. I haven't killed myself, I haven't hurt myself physically, I haven't got drunk, I haven't resorted to any other self-harming behaviours. Okay, I might be spending a bit much on thrifted clothes than I should, but I am reigning that in. And I still faceplant onto the pizza on really shit days, but I also work out a lot, so whatever ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I'm not trying to live a life without vice; I'm trying to take care of myself as best as I can.