I am having a distinct "what the fuck am I doing?" moment.
So, a month ago a signed up for a weekend-long martial arts training and sparring event. That would be my first such event since coming out. When I signed up I was finally feeling very secure and completely in state to handle all the surrounding BS like changing rooms, toilets, interactions and introductions to some notable people in the sport, not to mention the actual "contact" aspect of contact sports.
Since shit went down with my partner last Saturday, I've been in a tailspin. Two nights of no sleep and wanting to end it, followed by several days of divorce talk, and it hit me last night that the only reason why I'm still functioning is because I'm dissociating as if my life depends on it (come to think of it, it probably kinda does). I am completely checked out of my body, of my feelings, of my thoughts, of my entire existence. My being is somewhere else, outside my life.
And I woke up this morning completely terrified of the weekend. Of having to do people, to perform in a gender (whether my real one or girl-modeing it), of having to have the presence of mind for the workshops. Not to mention of having the presence of mind and the ability to react during sparring.
I'm terrified. What the everloving fuck am I going to do tomorrow?
you will live or you will survive.
It's okay to... quit this weekend trip.
If you feel like getting out of this situation at home would benefit you than do it, but you have no obligation in participating.
If it stresses you on top of everything that is going on, then take a moment and ask yourself: what would make you feel better?
It's okay if you cannot think about this right now. You sound like you are in a "I need to bite into a chilly pepper" kind of grounding need.
But it is temporary. And it doesn't mean that it will hurt less, but it will be in the past.
And then you take a deep breath and you go from there on.
"then take a moment and ask yourself:" what would Jesus do? XD
but seriously: remeber you dont have to do anything. you CAN, but not have to
You have an immense amount on your shoulders. I can't imagine how hard it must be to navigate both complex gender dynamics and the pain of threatened relationship loss. My own abandonment wounds sting a little just listening to your relationship pain. I hope you have someone you can express those heavy feelings to in a complete and cathartic manner...someone besides the person who might be leaving you.
Dissociation can sometimes snap back with a vengeance into torrents of emotion so if you can ease the pressure gently by relying on your support system, you might be able to begin the arduous healing process. You've made an important first step just by expressing yourself here and I want you to know that I am proud of you for it. You'll be in my thoughts Marbear.
It's been very confusing and destabilizing, that's for sure. I don't really know what to do with this feeling. It's big and spiky and unwieldy. I don't have much of a support system; one of prices to pay for immigrating. That's I process my feelings online :) and I say it every time, but it means the world to me that you all take the time to talk me out of my tunnel vision.
im glad that i van help even a little