The transition from being able-bodied to chronically ill and basically partially disabled has been frustrating, even though I have seen it with my mother and grandmother, so I thought I was prepared for it. No I wasn't. I wasn't prepared how every day all my little energy goes into micromanaging everything, just to keep me functioning. I have to:

- be mindful that I have only about 3 hours of energy around mid-day, so if anything needs doing, that has to happen by 1 pm;

- make sure I eat at precise interval, because when I miss it by an hour, I start feeling shaky and sick;

- micromanage what I eat to be the most nutritionally dense thing in the smallest physical quantity so that I don't get shaky and sick, but also don't get gastrointestinal issues;

- spend an hour after every meal obseesively cleaning my teeth and gums, because if I don't my mouth covers in sores and I cant eat for a few days; se above points about shaky and sick;

- spend a stupid amount of time smearing stuff on myself: Voltaren on my inflamed veins; cica baume and other calming creams on my burning face; vaseline on my peeling hands and feet; antifungal on my toes;

- make sure I drink the gross electrolite powder drink a few times a day, otherwise I bleed from my rectum for a few weeks, because of reasons;

- obssesively drink liquids, because I have to keep flushing my bladder, otherwise the chemicals will fuck it up; or my veins won't be accissible for the next IV or blood draw; or I will just feel sick.

- make sure I actually exercise;

- write down every single thought as it occurs, because the brain fog is real and nothing stays in my  brain for longer than 45 seconds;

- make sure I keep a sleep schedul;

- actually try and maintain *social* life online???

Augh.

This song never hit so close to home before: