Typically I can ignore my body. That's basically how I've survived adolescence and adulthood. I am so completely divorced from it that it just doesn't register as a thing that's a part of me. That's why I never really had problem with mirrors, like many other trans people do - I just never recognized what I saw as me, so I also didn't care what that other person looked like. Just made sure that the image in the mirror is combed and clean and that's where my responsibility ended. My real life and my real body is in my head.

But there are days when the physical dysphoria crashes in. It starts with something stupid, such as seeing my feet while showering and getting a panic attack because they are too small and delicate. And then over the following days it grows and it grows. This week I've been struggling. It started again with stupid shit. This time it was my ears. Suddenly I saw them and panic set in. In the following days it grew. One day it was the ears and my jawline. Then it was the ears, jawline and cheeckbones making me feel sick when I saw them or even just touched them. The next day my chest started bothering me and startling me. Like it's saying, "Hey! Hey! How long do you think you can ignore me? HEY!"

So here we are, Thursday morning, and I've gone the full nine yards - packing and binding, layering oversized clothes, wearing masculinizing make-up, and still everything feels wrong. My body buldges at odd places, feels flat and concave at others where it shouldn't. Everything is wrong and I can't breathe.

And I've always been a dopamine black hole, but this week has been extra hard, just craving anything that would get me out of this flesh suit, be it alcohol, or drugs, or sex, or distraction. Anything. I've lined up some more sport than usual, that typically helps a bit. I just wonder what to do if/when a day comes that's not enough.